I just threw up on my dentist
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
