The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
