Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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