I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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