did you get engaged???
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
