dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize