Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
