It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize