We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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