no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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