was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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