I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
