yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
