I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
They have beer where we have blood.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
