yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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