All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
wanna go halves on a baby?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
