Need sex. Gaining weight.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
