sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You left your phone here
Wait...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize