I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
