Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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