Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
