It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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