honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
