Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
