found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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