i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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