remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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