how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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