you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
