I met the friendliest cop last night
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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