Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
