He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
