I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
