Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
