Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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