just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
