It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
