It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
