i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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