The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize