I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
