how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
