I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
