Define "chronic" masturbator.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
