i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Small penises have feelings too.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
