Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
