If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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