He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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