good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
