sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
