How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Drake has all the answers
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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