Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
