i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
