I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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