I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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