Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize