I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
