I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
