I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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