Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
