So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
