I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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