my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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