...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
