If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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