please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i came on her dog
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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