I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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