cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
